I was standing in front of a big wheel. One of those at fairgrounds. What other wheels are there? And across the way was a woman in Victorian clothing. Long, curly, red hair and a smile that would melt the coldest of hearts.
It was Ivy. Ivy Coldstone.
And I was the Doctor. But then I wasn’t. Then I was changing. The memories were there, but they felt as though they no longer belonged to me. And the world around me was fading into whiteness and cold. I could hear aeroplanes overhead. They felt like somebody else’s memories. Like they shouldn’t be there at all.
And then…
I opened my eyes. A covering was being opened from above me and there was a familiar face. A bald man. This was the Doctor. And then I began to remember. I was just the backup. The false Doctor. The possible future. The expendable one. The being that had become a real man and then had been locked away to keep him safe.
‘Up you get,’ said the bald Doctor, grabbing my hand and hefting me up out of my live-in-coffin.
‘Wait,’ I said, struggling to get the initial word out.
‘We don’t have time,’ he said, hauling me out and onto my feet where I wobbled for a number of times before falling back against the wall.
‘I just need a moment.’
I honestly felt like he couldn’t care less about me, like I was just a pawn to make sure he continued in his life. Instead of letting me live my life as Matthew Cole, I had to become part of him again. I felt angry. A rage - a hatred - burned inside me.
‘Come on,’ he said, tugging on my arm.
‘Leave me alone!’ I snapped, feeling my fury knock him back.
He stepped back, frowned and looked at me. ‘What’s wrong with you?’
‘Do you really have to ask that?’ I asked.
‘We’re getting us help. After they’ve helped Danny, I’ll ask Aleena’s people to try and put us back together.’
‘And that doesn’t bother you?’
‘Not dying? No, it doesn’t bother me. I bothers me that I’ll probably regenerate and it bothers me that I’m having to resort to doing this, but it has to be done.’
‘Does it?’
‘Yes.’ He stepped forward again and looked at me. ‘Look, what’s wrong?’
‘It doesn’t bother you that you’ll be killing me?’
‘But you won’t die. You’ll become a part of me.’
‘But everything I am - everything Matthew Cole is - will be dead.’
‘But you haven’t even experienced life. Not really. And all that you have experienced will live on inside me.’
‘So you wouldn’t mind a baby dying after a few weeks.’
‘What?’
‘If a baby died after a few weeks, would you say that it didn’t matter? Would you say that they hadn’t experienced enough to matter? What about the potential? What about the life that they have yet to lead?’
The Doctor looked hurt.
I shook my head at him and walked past. ‘Come on.’
But something inside me felt different. Something didn’t feel right at all.
I had reluctantly listened to the Doctor’s situation as we made our way out of the TARDIS and into the muddy forest beyond it’s dimensions.
I smiled as I felt the rain trickle down through my hair and onto my face. It had been such a long time - or at least felt like a long time - since I had felt anything close to nature. I had dreamt all sorts of things, but none of the dreams felt real. Not like this did now.
‘So, you’re Matthew Cole are you?’ asked the woman who had been introduced to me as Aleena.
‘Yes,’ I said, not making eye contact with her. ‘And you’re Aleena.’
‘That’s right,’ she said as we walked through the forest, the Doctor a little way ahead, one arm around the ailing Danny.
‘You’re the woman who took the Doctor away before me and him could become one?’
She looked a little confused. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I did.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, smiling. I knew it was the wrong thing to say as it had caused the Doctor so many problems, but this woman had helped to bring life to myself.
‘Why would you thank me?’
‘Because you allowed me to live.’
‘Come on, you two. We’re almost there,’ said the Doctor from up ahead.
‘Why are you so frosty with him?’ I asked. I had noticed Aleena and the Doctor, supposedly the greatest of friends, had been rather unfriendly towards each other. They had hardly said a word since I had joined them.
‘Because he abandoned me. And even now he refuses to help us.’
‘That’s not what he told me,’ I said.
‘Oh, he’ll make a case for us, but he won’t do anything to change matters.’
‘The Doctor doesn’t interfere,’ I said, almost remembering how he - how I - could be.
Aleena laughed and shook her head. ‘Don’t. Just don’t.’
Up ahead I noticed that the Doctor was beginning to struggle with Danny. I thought I’d better make myself useful so jogged up ahead to help him. Danny was beginning to regain a little more composure, but it was the Doctor that was struggling.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, noticing the visible look of pain in his eyes.
‘It’s my hearts,’ he said, rubbing his chest.
‘Take your pills,’ said Aleena, walking up to him. Despite her annoyance at the Doctor, she was clearly still worried about him.
‘They don’t seem to be doing me much good anymore.’
He coughed and dropped to his knees.
‘Breathe,’ said Aleena, kneeling down in front of him.
‘I can’t. I can’t.’
I felt helpless.
‘Do something,’ said the Doctor’s concerned companion, Danny.
‘What do you want me to do?’ I said.
The Doctor keeled over, rolling into a foetal position and clutching his chest.
‘Just do something!’ shouted Aleena, grabbing me and forcing me down to my knees.
I didn’t know what to do. I saw the helpless, bald Time Lord in agony on the floor, gasping in pain. He looked so pathetic. I reached out a hand towards him and touched his chest…
There was a flash and we were standing in a white void. I was face to face with the Doctor. And he was well and standing with his hands in his long coat’s pockets.
‘Where are we?’ I asked, not being able to sense anything other than him and the white light.
‘A shared vision,’ said the Doctor, looking around him. ‘It seems that we’re still connected. Remember in Manchester? You touched me and it knocked us both out.’
‘So there’s still a chance that we can put the two of us back together?’
He looked down and sighed. ‘Matthew, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me in the TARDIS. I’m not going to force you into anything. The decision has to be yours and yours alone.’
‘I want to help you,’ I said, but still not being sure about it myself. ‘I really, really want to help you.’
‘You already are,’ he smiled.
There was a shadow that moved in the corner of my eye. I couldn’t quite make out his features, but he seemed familiar.
‘Who’s that?’ I asked.
‘It’s you and I. It’s the incarnation that we were before now. It’s our shared memory. The Doctor who met Ivy Coldstone. The Doctor who fought the Daleks on the Broken Crystal Shore. The Doctor who ate the Deadly Cheesecake.’
‘I think I remember,’ I said.
‘And do you know why you remember?’ said the Doctor, putting one hand on my shoulder and looking down at me.
I shook my head.
‘Because you are me. Because we are the same. Because you remember all of those things. They all happened to you. Every single one of them. All of the people you met; Clara, Ivy, Kitty, Martha, Leela, Tegan, Alfred…they’re all in there because you are the Doctor.’
I smiled. The Doctor’s words made me feel better about myself. For the first time I felt that I wouldn’t die. I felt safe. But I knew that the road to becoming the Doctor again would be a rocky one.
And for some reason, even now, it didn’t feel right. Everything he said made sense, but something was telling me over and over again that something wasn’t right.
And then the white light faded and the rain was falling on my face again. Aleena and Danny stood over me and I was smiling.
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